When is it time? I’ve asked myself this question a million times for the past six months.
In February 2004, The Peters Family gained a chewbacca looking little creature that would forever change our lives. I didn’t realize until today, just how much of an impact this ole girl has had on my life. How much joy she brought our family.
Stuart was 35, I was 30, Corey was 10 and Casey was 7 when Nana became a part our family. Lots of life between then and now.
‘Ole girl, my heart aches tonight to the point of a crippling feeling that I’ve never experienced. It’s hard to breathe. As much as we love you, I know that you loved us that much more. Every breath until your very last one was used to show us how much you appreciated us.
You’ve only been gone for a few hours but the emptiness is heavy in the house. Like every other day at 4:15, Trinket was ready to eat her tuna. There was no insistent little bark reminding me to scoop some in your bowl. I lost it.
Daddy has gone to bed. He’s exhausted. Real tears he shed for you girl. His heart is broken. Tonight, you weren’t lying beside him while he watched TV, for the first time in years. His heart will ache for many days to come.
I can’t remember the last time I didn’t get up numerous times throughout the night to take you out or to make sure that you were still breathing. It’s going to take some getting used to.
The kids came by to see you last night, one last time. There isn’t much of their lives that they remember that you weren’t there. Such a good companion you were to them.
I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like eating your eggs this morning. I could tell by your eyes that you wanted to, for me, but you just couldn’t. It’s ok.
I’ll never forget the way you laid next to me for days on end after each surgery. I swear your little body had healing properties. Thank you.
I can’t even begin to list the events and milestones that you were privy to. An almost divorce, my college graduation, kids birthdays and high school graduations. Casey leaving for college. Corey moving out. Casey getting married. But you know what? It was the ordinary day to day where you made your impact. Greeting us at the door until you physically couldn’t do it anymore. Begging for food at every meal. Dinnertime just won’t be the same. The way that you curled up next to us on the couch, just like you did this morning for the very last time. Being a warm little presence beside me for the past 15 years. Oh girl, I’m going to miss you so. Thank you for the mundane day to day, Nana.
You gotta know that today’s decision wasn’t made overnight, ole girl. It in fact took months. Months to get the courage. Months to stop being selfish. Months to realize that it was time. Months to realize that you weren’t going to just pass peacefully in your sleep. I hoped, I prayed. It didn’t happen.
I’m thankful Dr. Kim makes house calls. You, taking your last breath in our home means the world to me. Holding you in my arms with daddy by my side while you took your last breath was the hardest thing I’ve done to date. I wouldn’t have let you take that last breath any other way though, girl. I’m sure that I squeezed you a little too tight and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for the tears but my heart was breaking, ole girl. Handing your little body over to Dr. Kim and Stephanie hurt more than I could have ever imagined. All I can think of tonight is you wrapped up in your blanket all alone. I’m sorry.
Life without you will go on but it will be so lonely. Taking care of you these past few months has not only been my purpose it’s been my privilege. Thanks for loving me, Nana.
Love you ‘ole girl,