As I was putting laundry away, I heard Stuart playing a few of his favorite songs. (He just figured out how to bluetooth his phone to a speaker!) I recognized all of them and sung along while taking care of the mundane. I heard an unfamiliar song and the more I listened the more my soul was stirred. I stopped and just listened. It wasn’t long before I was wiping tears from my face. Click here to listen to the song that stirred my soul.
I’m not sure why he chose this particular song. Maybe he was missing his little girl, now married with a life of her own. Maybe it was just a YouTube suggestion and he gave it a go. Even if the reason were the latter, he listened to the whole thing.
I am so thankful that Stuart and Casey danced at her wedding. “She Thinks We’re Just Fishing.” I swear, Trace Adkins recorded that song with Casey’s wedding in mind. It couldn’t have been more perfect.
Ole Trace stirred up some more stuff in my soul. As I fondly remembered the night Stuart and Casey shared their daddy daughter dance, in that little barn on that cold October night, memories from my wedding emerged. There was no stopping them.
As I little girl I never really dreamed of my wedding day. I didn’t give it much thought, ever. It seems that I’ve spent more time thinking about it as an old married gal. Much time spent thinking of how I wish it would have been.
There was already going to be a dark cloud hanging over my wedding regardless of the circumstances. My parents divorced when I was a teenager. The split was less than amicable.
When my mother found out that I was pregnant, she told me that I didn’t deserve a wedding. I was in such a bad place that I didn’t fight her.
One day during her lunch break, my mom went to Foley’s at Baybrook Mall and bought my wedding dress. She brought it home and handed it to me. Plain, an Easter dress that was marked down. I was not part of the process. There was no sayin’ yes to the dress.
Looking back on that day in 1993, I realize I have more regrets than just those concerning my wedding dress.
Stuart’s side of the sanctuary was full. His family was plentiful. Mom, dad and sister. Aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. My side, scant to say the least. I’m so thankful for those that were in attendance. Stacy, April, Christy, Sherrye and Brandon.
Remember that ‘ole black cloud of a divorce hanging around? The storm was most prevalent this day more than any other. You see, my mom made it clear to me that my dad wasn’t welcome. Her reasoning, it would be too hard for her. That also meant, no Granny, no Mary Beth and no Uncle Lloyd.
Honestly, I don’t even remember if anyone walked me down the aisle. Truth be told, my dad should have.
I have other regrets as well. There was no dancing. No father daughter dance. No first dance for Stuart and I.
As I was finishing up with the laundry, Stuart was listening to another song. I still don’t know why he was listening to sappy ‘ole love songs that morning and I didn’t ask for fear of ruining the moment. What was coming from that bluetooth speaker took me back 25 years. Oh, how I wish he and I would have danced.
Dance, like you’ve never been hurt, like you’ve never been sad, baby
Dance, like this beautiful moment is all that’s you have
Don’t be afraid all your waitin’ is over
Just look in my eyes and not over your shoulder
Don’t let one memory get in your way
Baby, dance like there’s no yesterday. (Mark Wills – Dance)
I cried a lot at my wedding. More than the usual. I’ve often wondered why I cried so much. Did I think I was making a mistake? Was I scared? Mistake, no. Scared, hell yes. I was 19 years old and pregnant. I’ve since realized there was more to my tears.
An entire chunk of my heart was absent on that day. Walking down the aisle arm in arm with my dad. Looking over seeing my Granny and Grandaddy in the front row along with Stuart’s grandparents. Afterwards, dancing! Lots of dancing. And yes, me wearing the dress of my dreams. Shallow maybe, but I think about that “dress” often.
I doubt I will ever have a wedding do over. It seems foolish at this stage of the game. It doesn’t mean a girl can’t dream.
My perfect wedding would be on a beach. Shocker! I would either be barefoot or wearing flip flops with a flowy, not too fancy dress.
Stuart would be wearing khaki shorts and a white Magellan fishing shirt. Shoes optional. There would be sunflowers! Lots of sunflowers!
As I looked out into the small crowd, I would see my dad and Barbara, my granny, Mary Beth and her family. Lloyd and his crew. Stuarts immediate family. My sister and all of her kids and my closest friends. The ceremony would be short and sweet. And then, Stuart and I would dance. We would dance to that Mark Wills song that started my trip down memory lane, while I was doing the laundry. Dance – by Mark Wills