Foulest Of Moods

For the past few days I’ve been in a funk. The foulest of moods. It took me awhile to put my finger on the origin of said “funkness” but I think I’ve since figured it out.

When I was 19, I got pregnant and marriage followed. Yes, basakwards and for those of you who follow my ramblings, you know that it wasn’t an easy row to hoe. Sprinkle in seeds of mental illness, and friends, the crop is sure to fail.

unnamed (63)I’ve mentioned my mother’s suicide attempts in previous posts. The various stays at mental institutions. The blame placed directly on me for leaving.

You have heard me tout the fact that I have let go and washed my hands of the situation. I have said time and time again that I have forgiven her. I think I am fooling myself with these notions. Several of you have shared  your stories regarding relationships involving your own mothers. You went on to say in your messages that you appreciated me being so open and that when reading my story, you felt someone understood and that you weren’t alone. Truth be told when I read your stories, I felt that I wasn’t alone and that someone understood. I was on the flip side and it felt amazing.

As of late, I have received news that my mother is not doing well, yet again. I can only speculate as to why. At times I find myself wondering if she isn’t aware of what she is doing, only to manipulate those around her. A habit that she witnessed her own mother practice. I recognize that manipulation of that sort would qualify as a form of mental illness, albeit a cognizant one, in my opinion.

I will admit that the burden of “dealing” with my mother has rested solely on my sisters shoulders. Wrong or right, I physically separated myself long ago. My sanity and marriage could not handle the nightmare. I think my sister has had her fill as well. unnamed (64)

Lately, I have really wanted, no needed a mother to talk to. No reason in particular, I am just yearning to fill a void that lies deep in my heart. I can’t for the life of me figure out why now, at this stage of the game. I’ve made it through two pregnancies, an almost divorce, the rearing of my children, three brain surgeries and so much more, why now?

I guess as daughters and daughters in law, we crave validation. Why is that validation so important? Why am I letting the lack of it get me down? I’m truly at a loss.

I have resolved myself to that fact that I will forever have a deep fracture in my heart. I will probably forever harbor resentment and anger only to rear their ugly heads in the form of my current mood and state of mind. I have to break free from the cycle of craziness. unnamed (65)

I have been no good to anyone for two days. I have proclaimed my foulness, all the while shrugging my shoulders when asked why. It’s time to face the anger and resentment head on. I have no one to blame but myself. I have the ultimate control. I can either continue down this path of bitterness and indignation or I can let go once and for all.

I have prayed. I’ve prayed specifically. I have waited for the Holy Spirit to intervene on my behalf. I’ve waited for the pain to dissipate, only to arrive here yet again. Maybe, just maybe, God wants me to do it on my own. I would much rather He just blot my heart clean but where is the lesson in that for me?

I do acknowledge that she and I are no different in the eyes of our Savior. He died for her sins just as He did for me. If He can forgive her then who am I not to forgive her? I get all of that. Now, bringing the forgiveness to to fruition once and for all will be the challenge. I start feeling guilty when I get angry or let my resentment toward her get the best of me. Guilt because neither one of us are worthy of His forgiveness yet He freely gives it and I can’t. Why is it is do hard to forgive?

I do love to tell the stories but today, I am all ears.

 

 

 

 

16 comments

  1. Hey Julie. I would love to meet and talk. Your Mom and Dad were Brad and my best friends for a season. We were really close as they prepared for their wedding and we were both in the wedding. Susie was dealing with issues regarding her mother, or lack of one, during that time. We moved to Magnolia in January after we lost our house in Pearland to Harvey. Let’s meet and talk as we are just down the road.

    • I would absolutely love to meet up with you. Maybe you can shed some light on what ails me! If you are my friend in Facebook, please send me your phone number via messenger. Thanks for reaching out. So looking forward to seeing you!!!

  2. My mom has attempted suicide more times than I can count. I remember watching her being taken away by ambulance when I was a child. As she gets older, she continues to do it and even more so. But I get to thinking if you’re gonna do it, then why doesn’t it ever really happen? That sounds cruel, I know. But I’m sure you know the feeling of being dragged down a road, asked time and time again to throw everything to the side and come be at the beck and call of someone who is obviously doing something harmful to themselves for the sole purpose of getting your attention. It hurts. It hurts deep. The lack of a mother is a hole not easily filled. It’s a grief over something you’ve never had. We are all still that little girl inside needing our mamas and you’re no different. I let my sister have all the communication with my mom as well. I have stepped away. The last time she riled me up by texting “I’m going to kill myself today” then my whole family gets flipped upside down because now I’m frantic, calling her talking her out of it…but the same thing happens as everytime, nothing. I understand she is not well

    • I wish there were more than like buttons on WordPress. I’m sorry you hurt but I find comfort in you story.

  3. But I feel also that’s it’s just not fair to me to be kept hanging by a thread all the time. And yep the guilt is there. Oh is it there. The questions “what if she really does it this time?” And all the other stuff that comes with it. I put myself in counseling last fall. I’m healing. God is there and prevalent but I needed someone to guide me and help me see what’s good for me for a change. And how I can somehow rise above. Julie you are very fortunate to have broken the cycle. You are a wonderful woman with a great spirit. I read your posts and look at all.of your pics because I wanna see the woman who has a mom like mine. You are very blessed to have raised your kids and have influenced them to become community contributing citizens. The real mom you wanted all along who is trapped in the woman you know as mom, would say she’s proud of your accomplishments in parenting, marriage and career. The mom you wanted would say she’s sorry for the health problems and wishes to hold you and hug away the pain.

      • So are you Julie. Sorry if i blew up your comment section, lol. I just never known anyone to have that aspect in common with me.

      • Lol! Now I gotta go blow up my washer and dryer, I’m pretty sure I was a laundress in a former life. No laundry in heaven…please! Oh and I’ll take size 6 body

  4. I am sixty-seven. My father was critical and mean. He doted on me as a small child, then withdrew his warmth and kindness as I got older. I have since realized he only loved small children who worshipped him without censure of his behavior. If it is any comfort, I still crave his approval and love, even though he is long dead. I have never gotten over my longing, but it does help to write about it. It doesn’t change anything but me. It helps to me to look at him objectively. I now understand he was a flawed man. I have finally reached the point where I can laugh at his foibles and myself. You may see that in my posts. For a long time, I love/hated him. It finally occurred to me that I was a small portion of his life, not a person he plotted against. The fault was his, not mine. My only choice was how I react. Since he is dead and I can’t talk to him, I just make a point not to allow bitterness to spill over. I am embarrassed when I complain about his mistreatment of me. It seems ridiculous to still be complaining about what happened sixty years ago, but marks left on our hearts fade slowly. I make a point not to let him maintain control of what I do today, though it still crops up. When painful feelings crop up, I write. That gives me a place to put them and helps me look at him objectively. I don’t think he was malicious, just very irritable, quick to act, and convinced he was put on this world to maintain rigid control over his wife and children. It was his and our misfortune that he did not value compassion in his relationships. He felt like the ends justified the means. He was born into a trashy family and felt tremendous shame and was determined not to have us shame him. Sadly, he sacrificed relationships for control. I still love the father I had as a small child and am working on forgiving the one he became. I hope you can let your mother go. Your sister will have to make her own choices. Treat yourself kindly now, the way your mother should have. You can’t fix toxic people. You can only limit further damage to yourself.

    • Thank you for sharing those sentiments and words of advice. I know I need to let it go and move on. It’s just so hard. That you for sharing your perspective with me. I’m sorry for your pain and emptiness. That being said, I can learn from your heartache.

  5. I struggle regularly with forgiveness. But i do believe it is a choice. Not so much a feeling. Some days i “feel” like I’ve forgiven and some days i don’t .But i know in my heart that I have forgiven my mother. I came to this when one day I realized i needed and wanted my own children’s forgiveness. How do i expect my kids to forgive me if I couldn’t do the same. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone needs forgiveness for something. And you don’t have to accept or put up with their behavior to forgive them.

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