I’m Not Ready For A Mustache

Well folks, my gyno is Johnny on the spot! He’s as fast as greased lightening. Fast and furious. No, I’m not talking about his bedside manner. You remember the story. They All Look The Same! I am referring to his “getting back to patients” capabilities.

Two days ago, in his office, I was explaining the sudden urges I’ve been having to strip down naked and sit in the freezer. The out of no where, why is my body on fire sensations. The copious amounts of glisten drops.

Yesterday, as I was leaving the theater after watching Book Club, highly recommended by the way, I checked my messages. Low and behold, there was one from Johnny on the spot regarding my lab work.

Indulge me while I preface the news I received.

“Oh Mrs. Peters,  44 is too young to be menopausal. There is only a 7% chance that someone your age could be in menopause.” 

Recall the fact that I only have one dust puffing ovary left out of all the female stuff I am supposed to have. I’ve been thinking my little engine that barely could has been crapping out for a while now. 7% chance, ha!

I drove home after the movie, before I checked my messages. Good thing, I might have sat in the parking lot and cried. Still might have been there today!

As I clicked  the link to my FHS Serum test, I truly had no idea what was coming. I didn’t even need to look at the number. Like I would’ve known what said number meant anyway. That is what Google is for, right? I wouldn’t be needing Google. There was a message from Greased Lightening. “You are INDEED menopausal.” Hello, seven percenters! Wait, what? INDEED my ‘lil dust puffer wasn’t doing her job anymore.

I sat in my living room and cried. I’m perplexed at the origins of my tears, however. Hormones I guess? I mean, I am menopausal right?

I called my mustached man child and broke the news. In true Stuart form he replied, “Booger, I knew there had to be a reason you were so bitchy.” To which I replied while snot bubbles were a-poppin’ and tears were streamin’ down my face, “you think I’m bitchy?”  “No, Booger” he muttered in a breathy response.

These seasons of life have been hitting me wave after wave for a while now. My daughters marriage, the death of a dear friend, forced retirement, wham bam thank ya mam style. Now menopause.

Other than the searing of my skin sensations and the jump in the freezer naked urges, I haven’t felt any different. Until yesterday.

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Why? Why did this news hit me like a ton of bricks? Why did my heart crack a little upon reading the words, INDEED menopausal? As I sit here this morning, I can’t answer that question. I have a lot of ideas  but no definitive answer.

Is the origin of my heart crack, a fear of getting older? Perhaps, it’s because I know I am past my childbearing years. No, no I feel certain those feelings aren’t the culprit. And what could my ‘lil dust puffer do for me as far as childbearing anyway? Maybe the wrecker of my heart is the fear of the unknown.

As young women we are told tales of hormonal horrors by our best of intentions mentors. Tales of hormonal rages. As they spun their yarns,  we watched timidly as they dabbed glisten drops from their foreheads. We gazed upon their rotating fans of relief strategically placed here and there. We turned our heads as they cried at a TV commercial or a sentiment of yesteryear shared. What about those ever talked about mustaches that appear out of nowhere? How about the reports of weight gain despite every effort known to man?

Stuart even told me a story about a firefighters wife who went coocoo during menopause. She started gambling and lost all of the savings she and her husband worked for, for many years.

Wait a minute! I shout with a resounding YES! That has to be it! The heart crack origin is the fear of the unknown. Crying at commercials, songs, memories, that’s nothing new for me. And I’ve already got my fans on high speed. Can’t you hear it humming?

But weight gain, good lord! I’ve battled this demon all of my life always ending up on the loosing end. I’ve been working so hard for the past 25 days! Whole30 is melting away a roll here and a roll there. And I don’t want a mustache!! I can just see it now. Stuart giving me mustache grooming tips while standing shoulder to shoulder looking in the bathroom mirror. Well, more like shoulder to elbow.

Fear of the unknown. All I have are tales from my younger years.

Help! Women, I desperately want to hear your menopause adventures. Husbands, I am dying to hear your spin on the dreaded “m” word. No holds barred, I can handle it. I’m serious. Calling sons and daughters of menopausal mommas, what advice do you have to offer? You are on the front lines of this hormonal blitzkrieg.

I’m usually the one with the voice. It’s your turn. I’m sitting under my fan anticipating your responses!

 

 

10 comments

  1. I feel you! I hit the big M at 32. My son was a little over a year old and we were trying for a second. My reaction was, “Wait…what? Are you kidding me?” Serves me right for waiting for the right man to come along at nearly 30 to get married so I only do that once.

    • 32?! Words of wisdom, remedies for hot flashes, I’m ready to soak up and apply any and all advice! Thankfully, the hot flashes are the only issue I have been having.

  2. I have no menopause advise! But wow, wow! I can only imagine what you’re going through! Jump in that freezer friend, that’s a whole lot better than the lady gambling their savings away! 🤦🏽‍♀️ So what now, do you take hormone pills? Tell me yes! Please!

      • I doubt it. I have vertigo which I’m seeing an ENT soon for. But vertigo I think is more of an imbalance in the ears. It’s not triggered by hormones. But hey, I’m no doctor. Hopefully you can find some relief of the hot flashes. I mean, we already carry and birth the children, like really?! Give me a break! 😳 Haha!

      • I know! Make an appointment to see an ENT so they can check your ears. I know, another appointment, I’m a little over them too. But, if there’s an issue with your ears that’s causing your vertigo, it’s better that you know and if it’s not, then see what else can be the cause of the vertigo. I’m telling you, there’s nothing like having your health! I have so many appointments lined up 😢

  3. I’ve been to a several ENT’s and an er specialist. The specialist is the one who gave me the definitive Meniere’s diagnosis. He did several tests on my inner ear and was able to see that I have inner ear damage. There is nothing he can do. He did mention destroying some part of my left ear, the balance center but he wasn’t convinced that the vertigo would be gone because I still have the Chiari to contend with. My hearing in my left is severely diminished and has a loud roaring sound in it 24/7.

    • If the hot flashes are all I have to contend with, I’ll be ok. They suck but totally doable. I think my mom went through it in her early 40’s per my sister. I thought I had a few years left. ):

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