I’m going to take a detour from Memory Lane and cruise right on into the present for a bit. Please indulge my ramblings.
Most folks dread Mondays but in the summer months, I love them. It’s the day that I get to hang out with my my fishing buddy. Most of the time spent, weather permitting and wonkiness absent, is on the water.
I got to thinkin’ today though. After summer ends, my life is going to be drastically different. Different than it has been for fourteen years. I won’t be going to work full time.
Summer months are full of friends. Full of things to do. Mondays with Stuart and a to do list that never ends. I stay busy on every good day that I have.
In August, my to do list will have dwindled, my teachers friends will go back to work and I will be working two days a week. One of those days, Monday. I am used to the August withdrawal but I’m anxious about this year for reasons that you might not expect.
Wednesday through Friday, I will be lonely. It’s no surprise to those that know me, I am a social butterfly and crave human interaction. Yes, I can find things to do but it is going to be different. I won’t have the school year routine. I will have bad days. I will be alone during the bad days. That pending loneliness worries me.
As of late, a handful of people have made tongue in cheek comments regarding my part time status. “I would love to swap places with you.” “You are so lucky.” “That must be nice, working only two days a week.”
I can only hope that those that made the comments didn’t think before they spoke. To be in my shoes, they would have had to endure a physical hell. They would have to be woke night after night from a violent attack of vertigo wreaking havoc on their body. The attack leaving them exhausted. They would have to wake up daily, anticipating the next attack. Everyday, fearful to drive more than ten miles or so from their house. That fear stemming from the possibility of riding out an attack in a parking lot or sitting on the side of a road. Puking and praying. Their days dictated by the barometric pressure and God knows what other contributing factors.
And then there is that one person upon finding out that the vertigo attacks are fewer right now who boldly stated, “looks like you can go back to work full-time.” Boldly stated having never really worked full time ever or while dealing with a chronic illness.
Part of me feels so guilty to have to limit myself. The other part of me feels guilty for taking advantage of every good day I have fulfilling selfish desires on the water.
This chapter of my life was co written with Stuart by my side. He told me a year ago he didn’t think I would be able to work full time. He urged me to take a break then. I did not. I felt that my self worth was tied to my paycheck. I since realize that notion was complete crap. He wants me healthy. As healthy as I can be. To spend my good days doing what I love, teaching and fishing with him.
I am blessed and would be remiss if I didn’t credit God with my current status, even if it was a round about way of getting here. I don’t blame God for the Chiari or the Menieres anymore. I realize that life is messy. No where in the Bible does God promise rainbows or butterflies. As of late, I don’t ask why me. I ask, why not me? It took me a long time to get where I am spiritually and oh do I have a way to go. More on that come to Jesus meeting another time. It’s not pretty or something that I am proud of but worth sharing for anyone who is in a desperate situation. Again, I’ll save it for another day.
If you are asking, why me a lot try asking why not me. You might be be surprised.