Sorry folks, no stroll down memory lane this morning. No rambling of recollections. Just a raw look into what dictates my day to day.
Vertigo. A term thrown around loosely to describe dizziness. Vertigo is not dizziness. Dizziness is dizziness. Vertigo is a tortuous affliction in which being dizzy is the easy part.
At 7:30 this morning I was supposed to be awarding a school fundraiser auction winner his fishing trip. He and a friend were to arrive for breakfast, a day of catching bream, sun and some memories. After all of the fun that we could handle, lunch would be priority. Then I would deliver them to their parents. Those details had yet to be hammered out.
At 2:00 a.m. this morning, I was violently spun from my dreams. Although I am ever so familiar with this feeling, I think I am dying every time it hits me.
Remember the swirly things on the screen during the songs on Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory? That is my best visual to date. A swirling hell without the creepy music.
I closed my eyes and didn’t move until I had to puke. Closing my eyes only makes it less “visual” obviously. The sensation is still there big as day. For several hours, I spun and spun. All I could think of was those boys, the auction item and the day of fishing and memories that would begin at daybreak.
6:00 a.m. rolled around and I got up from the couch and my furry sidekick, Nana. Even in her old age that girl doesn’t miss a beat, ever faithful by my side right next to my puke bowl.
I tried to sweep the kitchen floor and realized that today was a no go. My eyes were still twitching. Every step I took reminded me of one of those too much to drink nights from my teenage years. The floor unsteady, the walls melting, my eyes not able to focus on a dadgum thing. Bumping into and pawing everything in my path to get back to the safety of the couch and Nana. My head feeling like it weighs 1,000 pounds and so very hard to hold it upright. My universe titled and spinning simultaneously.
My brain, inner ear and eyes just can’t get their crap straight. There is a major communication gap between the three.
I knew I was going to have to bail on the boys. Thankfully, both sets of parents are some of the most precious people I know. We agreed that we would try again tomorrow. Ya see, that is the worst part of this vertigo crap. I never know when or why it is going to hit leaving me an unpredictable factor in peoples lives.
I have had three brain surgeries. Consulted with numerous ENT’s to no avail. I have resigned my full time teaching position. I have severely altered my diet. I am intentional with every movement of my head. What else does it want from me? Vertigo doesn’t kill you, it just destroys. Leaving you in a constant state of fear, wondering when it is going to strike next.
Another thing that bothers me, other than my unpredictability factor, is that I appear somewhat normal and some people may think I am full of crap. I have good runs. Heck, I just had 14 good days. If you are an outsider looking in you probably think, she is full of it, she was just catching a ton of crappie yesterday. If you have seen it hit or sat with me while it’s happening, you know it is real, very real.
This entry is not a pity party, well maybe it is, but my intention is to tell those of you who deal with chronic illness, you got this. Enjoy the hell of of the good days because you, like me you don’t know when said hell is going to break loose.
Don’t get upset if people don’t understand. They can’t if they haven’t seen of felt your misery. Can you blame them?
To those of you who have sat with me while I puked, driven me home or sat and cried with me, thank you. I have so many supportive people in my life and when I have to bail or change plans, it kills me.
I hate that my family has to watch as I cry or puke or sit in misery. They feel as helpless as I do. I try to be tough but there is only so much a girl can do.
Cherish the moments that you are upright and healthy. When things, physical or emotional get unbearable, remember like Texas weather, those things will change. It might be a long, dry, hot season, but it will change, eventually. It is what it is.