Pain In The Butt

We arrived at the hospital. No memory regarding the check in process. Dr. Crowder was notified and the fun began.

I did get an epidural. I don’t think there was one single moment in time where I thought I would go into this thing without drugs. All I remember about the epidural was the anesthesiologist telling me not to sneeze.

I don’t recall being in too much pain the beginning, even before the epidural. I had no desire to attend  Lamaze classes so it was a fly by my pants kind of morning.  What ever contracts was contracting. Obviously my water had broke. Remember, I am the “bed wetting bandit!” If only I had known that the embarrassment of the wet bed would be the least embarrassing moment of this whole adventure.

I had read What To Expect When Your Expecting. I seriously need to write a book called What to REALLY Expect When Your Expecting. No where in the pages of that book did I read about what was to occur after a few hours of pushing. I’ll come back to that in a bit.

I sat in the bed doing my thing. Stuart sat in the bed next to me. IN THE BED, I kid you not. I feel like I handled child birth well. I didn’t yell at him like you see in the movies. I just pushed, panted, repeated.

Remember that Stuart was very much a man child. As he sat beside me in MY bed he would say, “Oh Booger, this is hard work. I am exhausted.” At one point I am pretty sure that he was fanning himself like he was really exerting himself.

The first hour or two went smoothly and then the crazy crap started happening, literally. If you’ve not had a child yet, keep reading, you might want to glean some wisdom to avoid the scenario that was about to unfold. If you are squeamish, skip to the end. Really, just do it.

Remember where we were the night before? Literally hours before? Gorging ourselves with Thanksgiving goodness and later basking in the after effects of the tryptophan trance.

I feel so sorry for the nurses that had to witness the expulsion of the copious amounts of food that I had eaten. What goes in must come out, correct? Especially when pushing is all that you are doing for hours! I was mortified. I’m pretty sure that Stuart was ready to bail right then and there. He said something like, “Booger you’re squirting like a worm.” Ah, my man child always knows just what to say.

If you will recall I waited until he would leave for a 24 hour shift before I would poop. This was not a bridge that we had yet crossed in our married life.  If you are close to your due date PAY CLOSE ATTENTION: do not gorge yourself anywhere close to that date! It will scar you and those that you love for life!

Around the sixth hour of pushing and feeling like there was no end in sight, I felt something break in my butt.  The breaking of whatever in my butt had snapped and could be heard by myself and the nurses. Stuart was too busy fanning himself to hear it.

My tailbone had cracked. To this day I tell Corey he started out life as a pain in my butt.

The epidural had wore off by now and I was feeling the pain that was absent in the beginning. I was too far along to have another epidural. I pushed and pushed but Corey and his big ole ears couldn’t make it past my broken tailbone.

I remember a nurse saying to prep me for a c-section. I begged and cried. I was scared to death to be put to sleep. I had never had any kind of surgery. Look at me now, gall bladder gone, hysterectomy and three brain surgeries later.

Dr. Crowder came in and for whatever reason he decided that he would use forceps to help Corey make his grand entrance. Epidural gone and you are going to shove kitchen tongs in my whooha? Looking back, I should have been begging for the c-section at this point.

I consider myself to be a pretty tough old girl with a high pain tolerance but people that pain was insane!

Corey was yanked into the world at 2:11 p.m. on November 26th. That yanking process combined with bumping into my tailbone for hours left him with a black eye and a extensive cone head that terrified me. No worries, his head finally took a normal shape but I kid you not, his birth measurement was several inches longer than his 6 week check up.

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I seem to recall the more gory details of that day more than all of the Hallmark moments.

My Hallmark moment occurred when I saw Stuart hold Corey for the first time. It was then that I knew it was us three kids against the world but somehow we would be just fine.

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